Update: Tried to fix formatting.

(In light of Andrew Conry-Murray’s dig at vendor press releases, I thought it would be appropriate to dig up my shot at reporters, originally written in January, 2003 ). Enjoy:

In the wee hours of [date], a [adjective] computer worm spread [adverb] throughout the Internet. Dubbed [silly name] because [ridiculous reason that doesn't explain anything about how it works], and also known as [another random name] and [another random name], the worm has infected an estimated [number] systems within [length of time]. Experts are calling this worm the most [adjective] since [date in the past].

The worm exploits a hole in [Microsoft product name] that was first identified [number] months ago by [security company name]. In an attempt to secure the planet, [same company] released detailed information about the vulnerability and how to exploit it. They also mentioned how to fix it, but apparently [noun] listened. Coincidentally, the worm that exploited this hole was also first identified by [same company]. Even more coincidentally, they make a product to protect against [noun].

"Actually, it’s not really a [noun], it’s a [noun]," said [Pete Lindstrom, or some other person seeking publicity]. "A true [noun] works by [random filler that nobody will read]."

The worm’s payload [verb] every system by [verb ending in -ing] the [noun]. Comparatively speaking, this is much worse than [another worm] but not as bad as [another worm]. The computers of [place] were hit the hardest. Current damage is estimated at [dollar figure more than the GNP of two-thirds of the world's nations]. "This worm has the potential to [something or other]," said [Pete Lindstrom, or some other person trying hard to come up with something interesting to say ]. "It just goes to show you that [another something or other]."

Though there is no way to protect against this particular bug, experts recommend trying [longshot one] or [longshot two], neither of which matter, since nobody will do it anyway.